I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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