I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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