Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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