I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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