I wish I could punch you in the face.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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