and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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