my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
she peed on how many people?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
