when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
