Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
