I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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