I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My butt remains clenched, sir.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
