he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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