I can text with my tongue
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
