No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
