She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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