I wish I could punch you in the face.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
