Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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