She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
