look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
he high fived his dick after we had sex
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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