I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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