My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize