OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
