just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
