Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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