i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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