Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
