Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
