I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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