You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
