I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
