I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
