Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
