How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
