Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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