if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
