The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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