I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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