Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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