and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
