I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I have feelings that need drinking.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
