I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
