If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
