i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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