mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize