Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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