I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
