yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize