so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
