You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
