just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
