On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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