If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
