Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
