I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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