I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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