I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
