He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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