y did u give ur computer a hand job?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
